The plan to get married in 6 months
I recently met with a friend over coffee and after catching up on the things we have been doing over the past few years, we got to her most most concerning current problem. She told me that she was fortunate to have found a great job in PR after graduating and her career had been very fulfilling. The long working hours at work had left little time to pursue looking out for a match. She would spend one or two weeks seriously looking for a match and then other work and life priorities would take her attention away. She said that she was 28 and did not trust that her random process of meeting someone gave her the confidence to completing the search anytime soon.
What she really wanted was a plan that she could really focus on for 6 months and have a good chance of meeting her future partner. This seems to be a common need for busy professionals where we would like to complete the search by giving it complete attention for a few months rather than trying randomly on and off.
Here is the plan we devised to complete the search in 6 months.
Finding a life partner is a very different problem than baking a cake. Baking the cake can be done on a fixed schedule because we know the path to walk and the time it will take. Finding a partner is more like forecasting the weather, I am 50% sure that I will find someone in the next month and I am 100% sure I will be married by the time I am 50. What we would like to do is be 90% sure that I will find my partner in 6 months. There are several domains in which we only know the probability like winning a cricket match or investing in the stock market. People who do better in these probabilistic domains have a focus on process instead of outcome.
Process vs Outcome
In complex problems like living your life to it’s full potential, finding a partner or investing in the stock market, the key lesson over hundreds of years is to focus on the process rather than outcomes. In Bhagavad Gita, Krishna says “karm karo phal ki chinta mat karo” or “Do your duty without thinking about the outcome“. The winner of 1972 World Series of Poker, Amarillo Slim also reached the same solution – “The result of one particular game doesn’t mean a damn thing, and that’s why one of my mantras has always been “Decisions, not results.” Do the right thing enough times and the results will take care of themselves in the long run”.
We started defining what the process should focus on for our search and one should focus on the doing the following things over a 6 month period:
- Know yourself
- Reach people through all avenues
- Meet people in person
The most common question people ask when you are looking for a partner is to describe the type of person you would like to get married to. This is an incredibly hard question because we immediately go into a dreamland with a dream list. Socrates said “Know thyself” and philosophically he was urging people to deep contemplation. Benjamin Franklin, who was one the most intelligent person of the American independence, observed – There are three Things extremely hard, Steel, a Diamond, and to know one’s self.
We really do need to know ourselves so that when we meet the right person, we can make a more confident decision. Doing this work early on just makes it easier to say Yes or No. When getting married, it is important to know ones core values and find someone with similar values. To say ones core values is easier than the philosophical – “know thyself” and helpful in making progress. The other question one should answer is to define their role model for a life partner- “If you could get married to any person that you have met in your past life who would have been a good match for you, who would that be? Describe that person. That person has to be married so that you have seen them in a married life.”
Answering these questions is easier than telling someone about the qualities you are looking for.
Reach people through all avenues
We are headed towards the festival season and marriage season so there are several parties to go to. This is also a time that you meet with a lot of your friends and family. Create a profile on a site like Banihal where it is easy to share your profile with friends and family and when someone says that they would like to make an introduction, you can quickly send them a link to your profile. This gives a professional first impression by sharing a profile to get the introduction started.
To find a match in 6 months, one should always have a good profile to share with pictures with friends and family. You should also respond to such introductions promptly. Reach out to the recommendations and other profiles that you like on Banihal. Create profiles on other websites and list with other avenues that work in your particular situation or community.
Meet people in person
When we are reading a profile, we tend to evaluate the prospects from a distance and can let go of even the good matches. You might say that I definitely want the guy to be 6” ft however when you meet a 5”10 and have a chat you might let go of that artificial restriction that you value more while looking at a profile. Banihal makes it safe to have phone call from the app without giving your email or phone number. This makes it easy to talk to a potential introduction without hesitation. After a few phone calls, meet that person in a public place like Starbucks during the day. Meeting in person will help move the decision faster and remember we are creating a process to meet your perfect match within 6 months.
In our twenties we are making an incredibly important decision and at the same time the demands on our time do not let us run a very focused process. Take the time out and focus your energy for a 6 month duration to complete your search.
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